Sir Trevor of Tring

There was one incredibly curious thing
You`d notice if you met Sir Trevor of Tring
His chain mail vest , was actually string

And did not fit

Minstrels composed songs to sing
Because of it



Tis said, he owned a solitary coat
Made from rabbit , weasel and stoat
His tumbledown castle boasted a moat

Just one foot deep

Apparently, the builder`s quote
Was suitably cheap



His sword and shield were made of wood
And subsequently, not much good
Atop the mantlepiece they stood

On proud display

Well, Trevor hated the sight of blood
Anyway



Should a Damsell cry out in distress
Embroiled in some domestic mess
Trevor set out to impress her with his skill

Then made a note of the address
And sent a bill!

From the Knobbly Knights Collection 2009

Two home secretary

Jacqui Smith
Unhappy with
Your husband viewing porno

I`ll bet when you get home tonight...

He`ll wish he was not borno....

Illustration by Mike Harman

http://mycarman.deviantart.com/

Attack

There are no more tears

Though the hurting remains

In row upon row of organised dead.

Strange how order can be brought

To victims laid to rest

Better to order the living instead !

Willow

Outside my window
Willows weep
While night provides respite
And sleep

A land of dreams to set me free
My weeping Willow
Weeps for me

And if your heartIs hurting too

I pray a Willow weeps for you.

Robot Rocket Banjo Cat

Robot Rocket Banjo Cat
Is aerodynamic with fins
He`ll pluck your very heart strings
And melt your wheelie bins


Thunder in the alleyways
Will not linger long
Its Robot rocket Banjo Cat`s
Supersonic song....

character created by Mike Harman
illustration by Mike Harman
http://mycarman.deviantart.com/

Write right

In the absence of a rattling good read
I may strive to entertain you with a rhyme
Though I`m unaware of what it is you need
To ensure you have a scintillating time

Now the pen is skipping lively on the page
A sincere attempt at filling up the void
Living on the brink of writer`s rage
Deciding on the means to be employed

Unfortunately, it cannot be resolved
I`m off to make a cup of tea instead
And hope the squabbling players so involved
Desist from playing football in my head.

All things must pass

You smile and tell me
All this will pass

Might help if you put your foot on the gas.

Money

Money is worth the paper its printed on
And little more than that

The squanderbugs now call upon
The mugs to pass the hat

Clean Break

A long lost earring
A forgotten scarf
A kingsize bed with an empty half

A bathroom towel
With a lingering scent


You could have done the washing before you went !

The Sleeping Beauty revealed

The Prince had travelled for many a league
And now, was a martyr to saddle fatigue
No need for specifics, or to mention direct
Which bodily regions that might affect

He scaled the walls of cold grey stone
Hacked through the orchards, overgrown
And high up in the Castle Keep
He found the Princess fast asleep

The Princess (from the records kept)
Would grow more lovely as she slept
By now she should be in her prime
Having slept for a very long time

The nervous Prince, he quaked and shook
Drew back the drapes to take a look
But for what he beheld, he was unprepared
He looked and shook and quaked and stared

A cry of anguish " Mercy for me !"
The Princess looked like a chimpanzee

"That nose, that mouth, those big hairy ears,


She`ll need another hundred years"

Bankers

There are those who purchase at will
From a seemingly bottomless till

Which we obligingly fill........
For Bankers

Claiming they nurture and guide
Through benevolence high and wide

With funds that we provide.......
For Bankers

As their ship of good fortune sinks
They cling to their index links

Should vaults be converted to Clinks.......

For Bankers ?

Cinderella...at last. The Truth

You all know the story of Cinderella
And how she eventually got her fella
But sadly, that was not the truth
And here, we finally uncover the proof

Its alright up to the Glass slipper bit
But then somebody altered it
For, the Prince was a local media star
Protected by his faithful PR

Cinders we know, ran ot of luck
Changing as soon as midnight struck
(Here`s the part that never broke)
In fact, she changed into a bloke

No longer was she small and thin
With designer stubble on her chin,
Bulging biceps, hairy chest
(Modesty forbids the rest)

The Fairy Godmother heard the fuss
And left town on a late night bus
But in a letter, she later swore
Her spells had never gone THAT wrong before.

The next day, slightly after four
Our Prince came knocking at the door
In search of one with beautiful eyes
(Boy, was he in for a surprise)

The ugly sisters, as we know
Pulled the slipper to and fro
But their designs were swiftly dashed
As it fell to the hard stone floor...and smashed.

The Prince now cried, "Oh where is my beauty?"
Cinders replied with "ALLO CUTIE"
Sensing this to be the last chance
Grabbed the Prince, and began to dance.

Unaccustomed to a partner so big
The Prince, he trembled in his wig
In a dance of graceful twists and twirls
They giggled and squealed like a couple of girls.

They danced through the door
And out of the gate

THE END.

(Now thats the record straight).

The Light House Keeper`s Daughter

I see her every Tuesday
Thats when she comes ashore
And every time I see her boys
It makes me want her more

She comes to buy provisions
Upon the harbourside
And if she`d only let me...
I`d keep her well supplied

She wears a black Sowester
And yellow oilskin suit
Big thick woolies under there
And takes size ten in boot

She aint a girl who`s dainty
You couldn`t call her small
But she could row my heart away
Any time at all

One day I will wed her
And when i plight my troth
We`ll find a lovely lighthouse
To acommodate us both

She will man the lighthouse
While i will darn her socks
Far out at sea, where none but she
Shall founder on my rocks....

Never Elect .....

Never elect an elephant
To represent your views

Though they like to chew things over
and rarely forget.

Require no second home allowances..
and are already grey suited.

Are protective of their young and vulnerable

Have a strong sense of community

Very large brains


On second thought............

Each to their own

Susie is seeing Mary
When Robert goes out on the beer

Derek says liking musicals
Does not make him queer

Michael told Angela
Todd was just a fling

God almighty , isn`t love a many gendered thing ?

Chastity

When it came to your chastity
I was sure it was me
Who held the key

Foiled by your complex combinations.

Mugged Off

Its not that you kissed him
And took him to bed

When you could have been cuddling me instead

Its not his expression
Superior and smug

But you made him a coffee, and that is MY MUG !

Go Ape

All day long you gawp and gape

"Mummy mummy look at the Ape"

Good job there`s a moat

And I can`t float.

But..

If I could find a way across...


I`d show you bald baboons who`s boss.

Mum

I never miss a Mother`s Day now.

I sometimes used to forget...and phone.




The flowers that grow in my garden
Help to lighten my view
And though they greatly please my eye

I`d pick them all for you



I`d tear the house down brick by brick

For a hug.



Irreplaceable

Snapshot

This micro second view
Is all I own of you

Settling for the instant the shutter closed

A frame to hold you tight

As soon i hope I might

Though you are under exposed

In my opinion

Alfred the short-sighted Pirate !

Alfred the Pirate was addressing his crew

" I know you`re fed up , with nothing to do,

But all that will change, as of today,

forA rich Spanish Galleon is heading our way!

So hoist the Black Flag, and prepare for the fight,

There`ll be dancing, drinking and feasting tonight"

-----------------

"Excuse me!" whined Jarvis. (One of the crew)

"Do you mind repeating what we`re supposed to do.

I`m sure you made yourself totally clear

But that there`s the ocean, the crew`s over here!"

------------------

Just at that moment, out of the blue

The lone Spanish Galleon sailed into view

Laden with gold, silk and molasses

And perhaps with luck

A few pairs of glasses......

-----------------

Rigged for battle, into the fray

With Alfred looking the opposite way

He ran to the foredeck, but in his blind rush

Instead of his cutlass, he snatched up a brush.

Crying " C`mon me hearties, rally to me!"

He leapt from the rigging, straight into the sea.

-----------------

Course, Pirates could swim, and his crew would soon spot him

Just yards from the ship,

When a passing shark got him!

----------------

The shock and the trauma of Alfred`s demise

Was a direct result of neglected eyes.

So if you`re short - sighted, to any degree

PLEASE!

See your Optician

Before going
to Sea!

Dlorah

Harold was born back to front
And so, it was not clear
If he was on his way somewhere
Or heading back to here

Was he getting off the bus?
Or was he getting on?
Did he come to visit us
Or had he been and gone?

He`s ever such a happy chap
Who does not seem to mind
Even though he`s front to back and back to front behind.

Neve hguoht s`eh tnorf ot kcab dna kcab ot tnorf dniheb.

Billy Kelly

Billy kelly`s belly
Troubled him a lot
For, just above his navel
Was a massive yellow spot

When sunbathing or swimming
He suffered vile abuse
Of course, he saw his Doctor
But it was not any use

Then one day, his head turned red
His legs and feet turned green
He hung around on corners
Determined to be seen
Perhaps by now, you`ve guessed the cause
Of symptoms such as these

Poor Billy is a victim of.....Traffic light disease.

Going to Pieces

Left hand fell off this morning
Followed by one ear
Its rather disconcerting
I live in constant fear
I went to see the Doctor
He told me not to fuss
Arriving home I realised
My butt`s still on the bus
Left leg in the bathtub
Right leg in the hall
At this rate, by tomorrow
There`ll be nothing left at all.

At least I still have one good hand so I can typ.....................

Red Nose

Every child
Is a flowering seed
That has a right
And has a need
To grow in peace
Without fear

Every day
Of every year.


It may seem a world apart
From the happiness you see
On the faces of your loved ones
As they play contentedly

There`s a child feeling pain
As they face those early years

Open up your heart, and dry their tears.

Evil Intent

My God my love you have smitten me

But then, you went camping

In Brittany.

Leaving behind this tearful clown...

I hope your f..king tent falls down...

Twitterature

I have wittered
I have twittered
Till my head is in my hands
And have come to the conclusion
There is madness
In the strands
Of these tapped out conversations
From each area and zone
With responses emanating
From respondents home alone.
I am marred by the marketing
And swamped in freebie things
I am touched by the tragedy
This birdsong daily brings

Will this social interraction
Be a bonus or a curse?

I am tweeting, I am tweeting
In my little Twitterverse !

Jane (Ferret Princess)

Up for the lark and down creaky stairs
Tracing her steps through the kingdom she shares

With all kinds of mammals, children and such
She glides through her gardens, bestowing her touch

Caked muddy prints from a well worn welly

She favours the ferrets...........and a bloke off the telly.

Davina McCall

I so love Davina McCall

I wrote her a rhyme for FcCall

Amanda Mealing

Amanda Mealing
I have the feeling

My heart rate will not be slowing

And you certainly will not require those paddles

In order to get me going

Cat Deeley

Cat Deeley
You are giggly and squealy
And extremely Jolly

You have loads of lolly

AndI would be happy
To help you spend it

Or you could send it……… to me
Via the Paypal facilitee

Contact me in a day or two

When I will have a logon for you!

Kate Humble

Paired oddly with Oddie
You are , not too shoddy

A natural delight you are

And please take note
My delightful Miss Humble

I resist the temptation
To rhyme you with tumble....

(or fumble for that matter)

Sally Thomsett

Oh Sally, Sally
You are not from our alley
But I need to repay
In my own little way
An outstanding debt, which is long overdue.

and though it has taken a decade or two....

I saved up a bundle of smiles for you.

Are you lonesome Tonight ?

Its no walk in the park
To lie in the dark
Where the shades of lonely nights creep.

When you try to be strong
But a part of you longs
To be wrapped in the solace of sleep

You know you can rise
With the sun in your eyes
In a dawn that could bring a new start

Step into the light
Face up to the fight
But
Remember to armour your heart !

Ali Bongo RIP

The innocent fun
The jokes at no one`s expense.
The magic is done
The world makes less sense.

Paradise

If I could fly to paradise
A sun drenched coral beach
(Unfortunately prices tend to keep it from my reach)

But if one day
I pay to stay
On sunshine isles afar

The last thing I`ll be wanting is a bloody Bounty Bar

Spot the Frenchman

Licking their lips at Sandown
Combing your garden for snails
Splashing in bogs , desperate for frogs
Suspicious, at Pony Club sales....

We the undefined

We the undefined
Whose tethers are taut

Being of unsound mind
Agree to be bought

And to turn a blind eye
To all your mistakes

To let you get on with
Whatever it takes

We agree to be led
To where you think best

When to withdraw
When to invest

How much to drink
When we can fly

When to sell up
When we should buy

But

When we get sick
Of affairs of state

We fully expect you
Capitulate

Willow

Outside my window
Willows weep
While night provides respite
And sleep

A land of dreams to set me free
My weeping Willow
Weeps for me

And if your heart
Is hurting too
I pray a Willow weeps for you.

Amanda Mealing

Amanda Mealing
I have the feeling
My heart rate will not be slowing

And you certainly will not require those paddles

In order to get me going

Raining (in my heart)

The stars will not be out tonight
The moon will not seem quite as bright
You`ll have to make do with the council light
Its pissing down with rain

No lovers taking romantic walks
Nor pavement cafe`s popping corks
Much more likely, are lightning forks
Its pissing down with rain

The Nightingales will all refrain
From hanging about in Lover`s Lane.
The car will need to be washed again
Its pissing down with rain.

Arguing

An argument may sometimes be preferred
To the violence of a stifling silent air
Or replies consisting chiefly of one word
Designed to drive the daggers of despair.

Bitter and Twisted

I am pleased
There are so many happy people in the world
Though I`m forced to sail these waters
With my Battle Flags unfurled

I`m delighted
For the sweethearts who achieve domestic bliss
Though I`m saddled with a visage
That a Camel would not kiss

I`m ecstatic
And I`m hopeful that this land of greener grass
Has a purpose and a future
For my sorry ugly ass!

Heart of Ice

Did you think I would wait by the door
As you removed your belongings and more
At the entrance to our special place
With tears streaming down my face

Stop Press: I have not strayed far
With Lindy and Sue at the bar
No tears to top up my Smirnoff Ice
Which incidentally, tastes bloody nice.........

Fruit of the Vine

This morning
The fruit of the vine
Is no longer a friend of mine

Last night
A different story

Side by side to glory

Much later
As I slept

The toxic turncoat crept.

Alan Davies fishing

The question is, is it not
Can we eat our sausage hot?
Porkers fed on fishy meals
Maybe justified in squeals

Lets hope our factory farming fools
Never employ genetic tools
Developing bitesize aqua swine
To fatten up the fruit of brine!

Jonathan Ross

A TV presenter named Ross
Was facing a financial loss
Which was not enough
For the Huff and the puff
Who`d prefer he was nailed to a cwoss !

Little Men

Up a darkened avenue
After half past ten
We dare not go a walking
For fear of little men

Little men with attitudes
Little men with knives
Little men determined to
Deprive us of our lives

Sally Thomsett

Oh Sally, Sally
You are not from our alley

But I need to repay
In my own little way

An outstanding debt, which is long overdue.

and though it has taken a decade or two....

I saved up a bundle of smiles for you.

One Night Stand

If the morning
Should bring shame
I`ll be glad to bear the blame

But have no fear
Of a macho smear
On your name .

Though of course.......

Might report it if I`d caught it !